One thing they will not be telling us at this appointment is if we are having a boy or a girl. If we wanted to know, this is when that would happen, but like we did with Mirabella and Viviana, we are opting for the big surprise at the end of this pregnancy show. I think I could have been persuaded to find out the sex this time around - preparing for a boy may need some extra time in my opinion - but I continue to find myself on Jeff's side wanting to wait for the reveal until our baby arrives. There really is nothing like that feeling! The ultrasound should last about an hour with the technician taking photos and checking various markers for health. After, we will meet with my doctor for around the same time to go further into the results. If you would, please pass along your prayers that all goes wonderfully!
Here is a recap of my previous three appointments. The third, my last appointment, really messed me up, and I think it is why I am so fearful about every little thing right now. Fortunately all ended up well!
Appointment 1 - Initial visit with the nurse practitioner (Tuesday, October 30th 2012)
I had been living my life as a pregnant woman for three weeks prior to this appointment, but besides my two home pregnancy tests, this would ultimately be my confirmation. I met with the nurse practitioner, one who I had never met. When she walked in, she said, "So, you're pregnant?" in a very cordial tone, to which I replied, "Well, I think so!" She continued, "Yes, you are!" It sounds kind of strange, but I still needed her confirmation. There was a part of me that was still wondering some!
We chatted about my responsibilities for my pregnancy; we went over what supplements to take, what to and what not to eat, ran through all of the what to dos and what not to dos, etc., all of which were repeats for me. Then it came time to introduce the subject of my age. When I pulled out the word geriatric when referencing myself, she laughed and quickly corrected me with the proper term: advanced maternal age. Ouch! I'm 36 and I know that begins at 35, but that feels heavy.
The appointment was quick and (besides a little blood draw when I got there) painless. The nurse practitioner felt my uterus and let me know things felt good. She figured out my due date to be June 13th, 2013 and before I knew it, I was out the door!
Appointment 2 - Initial visit with Dr. Chow (Tuesday, November 20th 2012)
Jeff came with me and we were both looking forward to meeting with my doctor and to seeing his reaction to us being back with another bundle in the oven. Last I had left Dr. Chow it was June and I was asking for a new birth control prescription. He knew I was still a wee bit torn at that time about closing the chapter on a third baby, but I don't think he expected this! Just as we suspected, he came in smiling. We all hugged and sat down to chat. Jeff had a lot to catch up with the good doctor on!
I couldn't wait for this appointment; it would be the chance to hear our baby's heart beat for the first time. Dr. Chow did us one better and as he has done with both of my other pregnancies, took us over to an ultrasound room so we could see him or her! Even this early (just shy of 11 weeks), we could see the baby and it felt unbelievable. As Jeff said, "It's just as cool the third time as it was the first." Absolutely. Seeing those glimpses of our baby, his or her heart beating away, was exhilarating! Things began to feel so much more real.
Based on that ultrasound, Dr. Chow asked how sure I was about when my last period was before finding out I was pregnant. I thought I was pretty sure, but wasn't entirely sure. I was measuring slightly bigger, so my due date was moved up to June 6th, 2013. I'll have another c-section, so the baby will actually arrive at the end of May.
The scary topic of genetic testing came up. We were expecting it, but because of the whole advanced maternal age thing, we were forced to dive in further. Bottom line is there is an increased risk of birth defects the older I am, but my doctor did a good job of going into more details and probabilities. Talking about it made me feel better, then worse, then better...then in between the two. Still, we decided against having any testing performed that could pull up any red flags regarding the health of our baby. Even though those tests may calm a lot of fears, the flip side is those fears are magnified - and the hardest part if they are is that there is a decent chance of false positives. So we could be worried sick for my entire pregnancy based on the results and all that worrying could be completely unnecessary. I worry enough as it is! Jeff and I both took on the attitude of crossing that bridge when we get there if something is not right, so for now, things are better left unknown. Nothing at the moment feels good about this subject. It is a lot to take in, testing or not. We will get a glimpse of abnormalities if there are any at my 20 week ultrasound; the genetic testing would have gone further in depth, and obviously sooner. See why I'm anxious about my ultrasound?
We got off the subject and carried on. I have an umbilical hernia that I have needed to have surgery for since having Viviana, but with a six-week recovery, I have put it off. As it turns out, my doctor thought I could have it done at the same time I have my c-section. Oh, in addition to having my tubes tied. Three surgeries in one! If I don't get some kind of reward for this, someone is going to hear about it! I can picture it now: "I had three surgeries at once - one of which resulted in a new human being who is most likely going to conquer the world - and all I got was this lousy t-shirt!"
Anyway, my second appointment came to a close and went wonderfully. It left me eagerly counting down the days until my next one!
Appointment 3 - Fetal and maternal assessment (Tuesday, December 18th 2012)
Jeff worked from home in the morning before we were planning to go to this appointment together. That was until Viviana started showing symptoms of the flu we thought the girls were over from the weekend. So, I went solo. Dr. Chow sat down, we made some small talk and he asked if I had felt the baby yet. "I think so!" I replied. He told me I was an old pro at this and guided me to the table so we could hear the baby's heart beat. I was looking forward to this quite a bit since I hadn't actually heard it yet.
Dr. Chow moved the fetal Doppler to the outside of my belly. He circled it around and there was emptiness. "Stubborn baby." he said. I felt my body get hot as he moved it a couple more times with no sound. I was terrified. I thought my heart was going to shatter. It was racing...and pounding; my chest was tightening. Finally some noises! "That is your heart beat. It's OK, this happens sometimes. Your uterus could be in the way." That helped me none. I was burning up inside. Sick. Horrified. I thought my baby had died.
After several attempts, he moved the Doppler away and I was deflated. He did his best to reassure me that he felt confident that things were going to be all right, but the only way to know for sure was to do an ultrasound. There was urgency. He helped me from the table and asked if I was going to be OK as he let me know I was turning white. I did not know if I was going to be OK and I told him so. I could barely walk to the ultrasound room. My body was light and things seemed dreamy. I felt ill.
I laid my weakened body on the table and sat silent. He turned the monitor towards him and said nothing for what felt like an eternity. "Everything looks just fine," he said. I gasped for air and started bawling uncontrollably, squeezing onto his hands that he had offered me. I was probably crushing them; the release of my emotions consumed me. I found it difficult to stop, both the crying and the grasping of his hands. I was yearning for my husband. He confirmed that my uterus was in the way making it difficult for us to pick up the sound over the Doppler.
I could not relax despite the glorious news. He turned the monitor toward me, showing me my baby's body and head. "But is the heart beating?" I begged to know. He told me it was, working hard to calm me, pointing it out as I was glued to the screen. There were bursts of tears a few times. Dr. Chow reiterated that it did not matter that we could not hear the baby's heart beat. All that mattered was we could see it. I thanked God.
Ridding myself of the tenseness was impossible. I was grateful that my doctor made a joke about not letting himself be tempted to find out the sex right then. He said I could bribe him for a small chunk of change. I would end up hanging onto that joke for hours and hours as I wondered if he knew anything he wasn't sharing, if not so good news lurked ahead. I could not shake the turmoil inside of me. We went back to my initial room and Dr. Chow continued his reassurance. "Are you sure everything is OK?" I asked again. "I'm positive," he replied. We talked briefly. He asked if I had any questions and then our meeting was ready to conclude. I longed for his brilliant way of making his patients feel like no clock is ticking when he is in the room with them. I felt rushed, even though there was nothing more to say or do. I could sense my awkwardness as I kept talking, even as I headed to the door. I was outside of the door and still talking. I felt like I had been through so much in the minutes prior, I needed more time to process. How could this appointment be ready to end so abruptly? I went on my way and though I was obviously comforted by the ultrasound, I was a mess inside. I called Jeff immediately, then my mom, reliving what had just happened with each, crying to both.
It took me many days to stifle my ultra-heightened emotions. I thought many times of all the women who have gone through what I did with the alternative outcome and my heart ached for them. I am taking nothing for granted, hoping, praying, appreciating and thanking continuously.
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