Photos: 21 weeks

 

 

22 weeks today!

 

 

Our baby at 20 weeks

At 20 weeks, the baby is about 6 1/2 inches long from head to bottom and about 10 inches from head to heel, approximately the length of a banana.

Doctor appointment: 20 week ultrasound

 

 

 

 

A big sigh of relief (and a few tears shed by me!): Jeff and I could not feel happier about having an encouraging ultrasound appointment. I was shocked I remembered to load up on 32 ounces of water an hour before my appointment (a full bladder is supposed to push the bowels out of the way so the tech can get a better view), but drink I did and on my way there, my bladder was bursting at its seems. When I pulled into the parking lot outside the office, I was in pain, wondering how I was ever going to make it from my car to the building! I could think of nothing else but how miserable I was, imagining how I was going to make it an hour without going to the bathroom during the ultrasound.

I forced myself out of the car and feeling like I was partially hunched over for my journey to the 5th floor office, I got to the check-in desk. After I gave my name I did not resist saying, "I think my bladder got a little too full for my appointment!" She laughed, but like she cared! Apparently I thought what was at the top of my mind should be at the top of hers. When Jeff and I got into the ultrasound room a few minutes later, before I could climb up to the table I told the tech the same thing. She assured me that she'd get some pictures and I could relieve myself very soon. She had accompanied us on our walk to the room, asking if we were going to try and find out the gender of our baby today. We gave her a confident no and she commended our willpower for not doing so.

I tried to relax once I got on the table, but I felt like I could explode. The warm gel hit my stomach and we were ready to get the show on the road. Within two minutes of checking things out she told me my bladder was even too full for her! Oh no! (And hallelujah! Thank goodness! I could go to the bathroom!) I would end up going three separate times during the ultrasound, per her request - it was unbelievable!

We started by looking at the baby's heart beat. Our baby was moving around more than ever the night before - Jeff got to feel again too - but the reassurance of that tiny heart beating was ultra comforting. We got to actually hear it for the first time. Awesome. The heart rate was normal - 133 for all of you inquiring minds trying to figure out the gender based on the old wive's tale! Jeff and I marveled as we glued our eyes to the screen in front of us. It was miraculous to see the intricacies of our baby's insides, all the way down to seeing him or her swallowing. We shook our heads in amazement seeing our baby's minuscule tongue. Each organ we investigated was astounding; it blew me away knowing I had been and continue making each inside of me.

Unfortunately the baby wouldn't cooperate for us to allow for good photos of his or her heart. We moved on so she could get other measurements and hopefully rule out red flags for complications, both for my pregnancy (baby coming early) and for birth defects. Spina bifita was the first she thought we could take off the table. Whew. There were a handful of other things that were supposed to look a certain way and ours matched those preferred looks, giving us a good chance of ruling out those ailments. The feeling couldn't get much better. She continued to go through a few more, and as she told us the next indicator - for ruling out Down syndrome - was in our favor, I burst into tears. I was filled back with the breath in my lungs that was previously running short.

In that moment, all of my worries felt lessened after the positive reports kept coming. My advanced age - the title I was given - made me extremely weary of these main birth defects that become more prevalent with age. To know the chances of our baby having these had decreased even in the least bit was elating. The reports were affirming and after the multi-stage ultrasound appointment concluded, we met with my doctor. He reiterated that the baby looked good, something we all praised together.

Upon the ultrasound technician's preliminary views of our baby's heart, everything looked fine, but after many attempts, the baby wouldn't oblige us with moving for a better look from the front angle. She had me turn to my left side to try for a successful shift of the baby with no luck. Then I took another potty break and she had me switch to my right, again without luck. So I will begin my next appointment in four weeks (Wednesday, February 20th) with another ultrasound before meeting with my doctor. Hopefully this will provide us with more positive reports of the baby's heart and produce the photo evidence they need.

Nothing serious, but the book ends of my two part appointment were not all that pleasant. I was slightly surprised - though not shocked - at my four pound weight gain during my weigh in, but was told it was normal. My favorite gal there told me a pound and a half a week is what I should gain, so I felt a tad better since it had been four weeks from my last appointment. OK, not so astonishing. (Hey, I better grab another pint of ice cream! What a travesty to leave two pounds on the table. Haha!) The morning at my doctor's office concluded with a flu shot (that I kept forgetting to get) and a whooping cough vaccine. Each was not so bad going in, but my arms were in incredible pain for three full days! It was nuts. I could barely lift them up! Four days later I could still feel soreness, mostly from the whooping cough shot by then. Never have I had a reaction like that with shots, but I am happy they are over with. Not as happy as I am to have this appointment in all its glory behind us! Many thanks to everyone for the prayers. We are hoping for more of the same affirming news in the days ahead.

PS. I had to go to the bathroom two more times after my ultrasound for a grand total of five times before leaving my doctor's office! To my husband who has obviously never been pregnant, this little fact was astonishing. Just as with my tidbit to the gal at the front desk about my way too full bladder upon my arrival at the office, I guess I thought you all needed to know that. ;)

Doctor appointments: 1, 2 & 3

Tomorrow is my 20 week ultrasound and I am all mixed up with excitement and apprehension. This is the big one, the ultrasound where they are able to take a deep look at our baby and hopefully they will be giving us the thumbs up, telling us that he or she is looking A-OK. Putting all of the what ifs to rest (for the time being, anyway!) will leave me jumping for joy. Literally, I will jump, jump, jump for joy!

One thing they will not be telling us at this appointment is if we are having a boy or a girl. If we wanted to know, this is when that would happen, but like we did with Mirabella and Viviana, we are opting for the big surprise at the end of this pregnancy show. I think I could have been persuaded to find out the sex this time around - preparing for a boy may need some extra time in my opinion - but I continue to find myself on Jeff's side wanting to wait for the reveal until our baby arrives. There really is nothing like that feeling!  The ultrasound should last about an hour with the technician taking photos and checking various markers for health. After, we will meet with my doctor for around the same time to go further into the results. If you would, please pass along your prayers that all goes wonderfully!

Here is a recap of my previous three appointments. The third, my last appointment, really messed me up, and I think it is why I am so fearful about every little thing right now. Fortunately all ended up well!

Appointment 1 - Initial visit with the nurse practitioner (Tuesday, October 30th 2012)

I had been living my life as a pregnant woman for three weeks prior to this appointment, but besides my two home pregnancy tests, this would ultimately be my confirmation. I met with the nurse practitioner, one who I had never met. When she walked in, she said, "So, you're pregnant?" in a very cordial tone, to which I replied, "Well, I think so!" She continued, "Yes, you are!" It sounds kind of strange, but I still needed her confirmation. There was a part of me that was still wondering some!

We chatted about my responsibilities for my pregnancy; we went over what supplements to take, what to and what not to eat, ran through all of the what to dos and what not to dos, etc., all of which were repeats for me. Then it came time to introduce the subject of my age. When I pulled out the word geriatric when referencing myself, she laughed and quickly corrected me with the proper term: advanced maternal age. Ouch! I'm 36 and I know that begins at 35, but that feels heavy.

The appointment was quick and (besides a little blood draw when I got there) painless. The nurse practitioner felt my uterus and let me know things felt good. She figured out my due date to be June 13th, 2013 and before I knew it, I was out the door!

Appointment 2 - Initial visit with Dr. Chow (Tuesday, November 20th 2012)

Jeff came with me and we were both looking forward to meeting with my doctor and to seeing his reaction to us being back with another bundle in the oven. Last I had left Dr. Chow it was June and I was asking for a new birth control prescription. He knew I was still a wee bit torn at that time about closing the chapter on a third baby, but I don't think he expected this! Just as we suspected, he came in smiling. We all hugged and sat down to chat. Jeff had a lot to catch up with the good doctor on!

I couldn't wait for this appointment; it would be the chance to hear our baby's heart beat for the first time. Dr. Chow did us one better and as he has done with both of my other pregnancies, took us over to an ultrasound room so we could see him or her! Even this early (just shy of 11 weeks), we could see the baby and it felt unbelievable. As Jeff said, "It's just as cool the third time as it was the first." Absolutely. Seeing those glimpses of our baby, his or her heart beating away, was exhilarating! Things began to feel so much more real.

Based on that ultrasound, Dr. Chow asked how sure I was about when my last period was before finding out I was pregnant. I thought I was pretty sure, but wasn't entirely sure. I was measuring slightly bigger, so my due date was moved up to June 6th, 2013. I'll have another c-section, so the baby will actually arrive at the end of May.

The scary topic of genetic testing came up. We were expecting it, but because of the whole advanced maternal age thing, we were forced to dive in further. Bottom line is there is an increased risk of birth defects the older I am, but my doctor did a good job of going into more details and probabilities. Talking about it made me feel better, then worse, then better...then in between the two. Still, we decided against having any testing performed that could pull up any red flags regarding the health of our baby. Even though those tests may calm a lot of fears, the flip side is those fears are magnified - and the hardest part if they are is that there is a decent chance of false positives. So we could be worried sick for my entire pregnancy based on the results and all that worrying could be completely unnecessary. I worry enough as it is! Jeff and I both took on the attitude of crossing that bridge when we get there if something is not right, so for now, things are better left unknown. Nothing at the moment feels good about this subject. It is a lot to take in, testing or not. We will get a glimpse of abnormalities if there are any at my 20 week ultrasound; the genetic testing would have gone further in depth, and obviously sooner. See why I'm anxious about my ultrasound?

We got off the subject and carried on. I have an umbilical hernia that I have needed to have surgery for since having Viviana, but with a six-week recovery, I have put it off. As it turns out, my doctor thought I could have it done at the same time I have my c-section. Oh, in addition to having my tubes tied. Three surgeries in one! If I don't get some kind of reward for this, someone is going to hear about it! I can picture it now: "I had three surgeries at once - one of which resulted in a new human being who is most likely going to conquer the world - and all I got was this lousy t-shirt!"

Anyway, my second appointment came to a close and went wonderfully. It left me eagerly counting down the days until my next one!

Appointment 3 - Fetal and maternal assessment (Tuesday, December 18th 2012)

Jeff worked from home in the morning before we were planning to go to this appointment together. That was until Viviana started showing symptoms of the flu we thought the girls were over from the weekend. So, I went solo. Dr. Chow sat down, we made some small talk and he asked if I had felt the baby yet. "I think so!" I replied. He told me I was an old pro at this and guided me to the table so we could hear the baby's heart beat. I was looking forward to this quite a bit since I hadn't actually heard it yet.

Dr. Chow moved the fetal Doppler to the outside of my belly. He circled it around and there was emptiness. "Stubborn baby." he said. I felt my body get hot as he moved it a couple more times with no sound. I was terrified. I thought my heart was going to shatter. It was racing...and pounding; my chest was tightening. Finally some noises! "That is your heart beat. It's OK, this happens sometimes. Your uterus could be in the way." That helped me none. I was burning up inside. Sick. Horrified. I thought my baby had died.

After several attempts, he moved the Doppler away and I was deflated. He did his best to reassure me that he felt confident that things were going to be all right, but the only way to know for sure was to do an ultrasound. There was urgency. He helped me from the table and asked if I was going to be OK as he let me know I was turning white. I did not know if I was going to be OK and I told him so. I could barely walk to the ultrasound room. My body was light and things seemed dreamy. I felt ill.

I laid my weakened body on the table and sat silent. He turned the monitor towards him and said nothing for what felt like an eternity. "Everything looks just fine," he said. I gasped for air and started bawling uncontrollably, squeezing onto his hands that he had offered me. I was probably crushing them; the release of my emotions consumed me. I found it difficult to stop, both the crying and the grasping of his hands. I was yearning for my husband. He confirmed that my uterus was in the way making it difficult for us to pick up the sound over the Doppler.

I could not relax despite the glorious news. He turned the monitor toward me, showing me my baby's body and head. "But is the heart beating?" I begged to know. He told me it was, working hard to calm me, pointing it out as I was glued to the screen. There were bursts of tears a few times. Dr. Chow reiterated that it did not matter that we could not hear the baby's heart beat. All that mattered was we could see it. I thanked God.

Ridding myself of the tenseness was impossible. I was grateful that my doctor made a joke about not letting himself be tempted to find out the sex right then. He said I could bribe him for a small chunk of change. I would end up hanging onto that joke for hours and hours as I wondered if he knew anything he wasn't sharing, if not so good news lurked ahead. I could not shake the turmoil inside of me. We went back to my initial room and Dr. Chow continued his reassurance. "Are you sure everything is OK?" I asked again. "I'm positive," he replied. We talked briefly. He asked if I had any questions and then our meeting was ready to conclude. I longed for his brilliant way of making his patients feel like no clock is ticking when he is in the room with them. I felt rushed, even though there was nothing more to say or do. I could sense my awkwardness as I kept talking, even as I headed to the door. I was outside of the door and still talking. I felt like I had been through so much in the minutes prior, I needed more time to process. How could this appointment be ready to end so abruptly? I went on my way and though I was obviously comforted by the ultrasound, I was a mess inside. I called Jeff immediately, then my mom, reliving what had just happened with each, crying to both.

It took me many days to stifle my ultra-heightened emotions. I thought many times of all the women who have gone through what I did with the alternative outcome and my heart ached for them. I am taking nothing for granted, hoping, praying, appreciating and thanking continuously.

Movement on 12.12.12

On Wednesday, December 12th, I felt the baby moving for the first time! It was like a fishy twirling around in its bowl of water right inside that tummy of mine. The flutters gave me butterflies. I wasn't exactly sure that's what it was at first and had to concentrate intensly to feel it, but it was our baby! It was early - just the day before I hit 15 weeks - but by now, I guess I know what I should expect to be feeling. I felt Mirabella at 17 weeks and Vivi the day before I hit 16 weeks; I must be getting good at this!

The hardest part about feeling the baby so soon is that I find myself longing for more every minute of the day. And in the beginning, it's tough to feel, so my nerves would kick in. I couldn't feel those tinges every day and that was making me uneasy. But within a couple of weeks, the feelings grew more frequent and intensified and each time, I breathed a sigh of relief. Now at 19 weeks, I can feel the baby every day, usually multiple times. But as I wait, the anxiety races through me as I yearn for the feeling. You'd think I would be less anxious after having been pregnant twice before, but it is not the case. My worries never seem to cease!

Within the last week or so, at times I can feel a little something from the outside of my belly too. And a week ago today (Sunday, January 6th), Jeff felt the baby too! I pushed his hand firmly into the right side of my stomach and then I saw his grin. "That's awesome!" he said as he continued to press, feeling slightly uncomfortable about applying more pressure. I was slamming his hand down excitedly, wiating for him to get a taste! A couple times I have tried to see if the girls could feel, but to no avail. I can hardly wait until this baby's sisters feel him or her inside of me.

My constant companion showing me he or she is there comforts me and calms my never-ending fears. Bring on the squirms, punches and kicks! I love you, dear baby of mine!

Photos: 18 weeks

 

 

 

19 weeks today!

Photos: 16 weeks

Happy 2013! I am 18 weeks pregnant today, but here are some belly shots at 16 weeks...