The early pregnancy backstory

 

Backing up a couple of months, on Tuesday, October 9th, we found out we would be welcoming a new addition into our family! Actually it was the day after when it really sunk in since the Tuesday night test left Jeff and I slightly puzzled. We had settled onto the sofa and with Mirabella and Viviana in bed, we were in the middle of watching a show. After a few days of speculation, Jeff and I had discussed the possibility of taking a pregnancy test after I couldn't exactly remember when my last period had come. It just felt like a little too much time had passed and when I sat down to actually count up the days after what I thought was the day it had started the month prior, I estimated I was about four, maybe six days late. So we decided that Tuesday night, before our show had even ended, was the night to figure out if there was something we should know.

In the past when had taken a test, we would leave the bathroom to wait in another room before returning for the surprise of what the test would reveal. This time, Jeff said he was going to watch the test from the get go! Immediately a plus sign indicating a positive result appeared in one of the windows. Whoa! Then we watched as the horizontal line in the plus faded, eventually leaving two straight lines, one in each window. We thought it was negative for a while, but a negative result should have been one straight horizontal line in one window and one vertical straight line in the other. Well, our lines were both vertical. What? Nowhere to be found in the directions was this result. So, we went to Google and ultimately concluded this was a positive result. Probably. Maybe?

With it being too soon to have a doctor's confirmation, we decided the next day I'd need to do another test. Our friend Mary came to watch Viviana (Mirabella was at preschool) so I could run some errands that day. First on my list: pick up pregnancy test at Target. I can't remember who called whom, but I was in the parking lot having a conversation with my friend Leah when I couldn't hold back the news and blurted out what Jeff and I suspected. "I think I'm pregnant!" Shock, excitement, laughter and chaos took over the phone. "We just had that conversation not long ago about feeling like you had closed the chapter on having more kids!" Leah stated. To which I replied, "I know! I thought we were done too!" And I did.

After having Viviana, I could never quite get the idea of a third baby out of my mind. I didn't know if I was committed to it, but I knew I had not decided against it. After a conversation in Chicago between Jeff and me last fall (September of 2011), we decided to explore the idea and try for a few months. I could not seem to decide for myself if it was a good idea, so I decided to put it in God's hands. A month later we were in Hawaii for our fifth anniversary and I was hopeful thinking we just may be on our way to adding a new member to our family. When it did not happen, I was disappointed. Yet, I also found myself feeling nervous about what it would truly mean if I had gotten pregnant. Since I felt Jeff wasn't fully on board with having another baby, and because I still could not commit to it myself, I decided to pull the plug on Operation Baby #3.

Our deadline of the trying phase was January 2012 and we agreed to let it go at that point if I had not gotten pregnant by then. The deadline came and went, but since I hadn't given it a fair shot, I could not help but feeling a little cheated, by my doing. I kept regretting not sticking to our plan and even though the deadline was gone and in Jeff's head, the prospect was off the table, I was not as convinced. I would make comments about another baby here and there, mostly joking, but testing the waters I suppose. I would find myself with baby fever every time someone had a baby, even more so after being around a baby. Yet when I thought about completely committing myself to the idea of three children of our own, I was apprehensive even amidst those times I would find myself longing for a third. Jeff was pretty content with keeping our family of four just that. We had a good thing going with Mirabella and Viviana, who at two and three were becoming more independent by the day. With time, I shared Jeff's stance more than I did not.

As I continued my phone conversation with Leah, she convinced me to get out of my car and get right into Target to get another test to find out for sure if I was pregnant. "You have to find out right now. I'll stay on the phone with you and just take it in the Target bathroom!" I have actually heard of people doing this, but never thought it would be me. I had never tested without my husband with me, so I called Jeff to see what he thought and he said to go for it. I think we both knew the outcome, so it didn't so much matter at this point. I told Leah to call me back in 15 minutes. I raced in, grabbed the test, took it in the bathroom and stuffed it back in its packaging. I waited in my car for Leah's call. "So what did it say?" she asked. "I don't know, I was waiting for you!" Just as we both suspected, I pulled it out of its package and the results were positive. We went back and forth in disbelief - not about the test results since we pretty much new what was coming, but at my being pregnant - and Leah peppered in her enthusiasm and amusement too. I was still in shock!

It came time for me to go back home to relieve Mary; Jeff was there now also for a meeting regarding our sprinklers. I walked in to see Jeff (who I had already informed of the second test results), Mary and Vivi in the kitchen. I asked Vivi to come over to the door by me and gave her my test. "Vivi, will you give this to Mary please?" Eagerly, Viviana pranced right over to Mary who thought she was getting a thermometer. When it sunk in, she went crazy! She was so happy! Never mind the fact that she was holding a stick I had just peed on minutes earlier! We decided we would end up telling Mary and her family right away because we would be vacationing with them in Florida two days later. This news would be nearly impossible to hide from them there. Next, we wondered how to tell our parents. The perfect opportunity we wanted wouldn't be coming for a while since we were just about to depart for our trip. There was no good time to get a dinner planned or arrange for another forum to spread the news, but we knew we couldn't, nor did we want to, keep it a secret from them for long. Before we addressed our parents though (more on that to come), that night I had my monthly girls’ dinner. When I found out I was pregnant with Vivi, I found out and I was off to my dinner with the same group of girls, my best friends. It was déjà vu and the scenario was the same this time. I waited for an hour or so at dinner before spilling the beans and though there was definitely an air of surprise, elation took over! They were so happy for me, for us. I have the most supportive friends who all made me feel like this was the most joyful news. I could feel my anxiety dispel. I was releasing my fears and allowing myself to revel in my own good news, in our good fortune.

When we first found out I was pregnant, some of the familiar emotions I had when we found out I was pregnant with Viviana came back over me. I was nervous, timid, stunned and if I am being completely honest, scared. (Jeff was surely all of those things, and then some.) With Vivi, my anxiety stemmed mostly from it happening so soon after having Mirabella, but this time, it was for different reasons. My fears were many, ranging from the more serious to the frivolous. The numbers game of how old we would be when... (insert this, that or the other thing) began. At 36, what were the risks of me having another baby? And another c-section? What would the sleeping arrangements be in our three bedroom house? We just got a new SUV, one that I don't think three car seats will fit in; do we have to get a bigger car? Could we afford another child? Mirabella and Viviana were such angel babies and continue to be two lovely, healthy, happy girls; what if our new baby tests us in ways they did not? With two kids out of diapers and becoming more self-sufficient, were we prepared to start over? Would Jeff - and everyone else - think I had ultimately tried to make this happen? I was terrified of that. (After all, it was me who couldn't get a third baby out of my head for so long. It was me who had not been on my birth control pill for three months. I felt like my reasons for that were reasonable and I knew I had no hidden agenda, but would everyone else know that?) And if Jeff did question for a minute that I had tried in any way to make this happen, would he resent me? Would he ever forgive me if our lives were not the epitome of perfection after our new baby came? Of course in my rational mind I know our lives are not that now, nor is anyone's life ever that, but a rush of these types of extreme thoughts came over me. I needed time to process and processing for me meant facing the perceived hardships of having another baby. Once I did that, I could move forward into the happiness stage. I would get there and am blissfully enjoying it now.

I had a tearful conversation with Jeff regarding all of these questions above, but specifically about that last part concerning his thoughts. As I should have known would be the case, he calmed all of my worries and put me at ease. He knew this was not my calculated attempt to have another baby. I figured he knew that, but I needed to address it and I needed to hear that from him. Something changed after that talk. His fears seemed to subside along with mine. They are not gone (after all, he pays the bills and at 37, is way, way older than me!), but he is careful and delicate with his words; after that discussion, he approached the coming of baby #3 with the spirit and positivity I needed to feel. Although, I do know his attitude has been carefully crafted to help me maintain my own sanity! I am fairly certain plenty of his stress and fears are addressed away from my presence, but I appreciate that. Above all else, we know we are utterly blessed to have been given this gift - this miracle - from God.

I remember asking Jeff the night we took that first pregnancy test, "Why couldn't this have happened last year when we were actually trying to have a baby?" To which he replied, "We couldn't have handled it then." This past year was many shades of awful for my family and Jeff's words were poignant and true. God gave us what we could handle when we could handle it. By doing so, He enriched our lives and gave the promise for them to become even richer. It is what I had hoped for all along: for God to ultimately make the decision of whether to have another baby or not for us. The decision stands and once again we are thankful, grateful and blessed...and super duper excited for our third baby cake!